his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
