My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
