My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
