the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
