I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
