I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
