How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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