There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I understand Curling. That high.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
