The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
