There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
