Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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