I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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