Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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