You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
