I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
