At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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