oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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