I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
