I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Houston, we have a blender
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
