I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
