im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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