I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
