it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
