New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Text me some of your sweat
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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