i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
