Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
