I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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