I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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