Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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