on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
