Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
