who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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