The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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