Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Randomize
