wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
