So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
