I just cut my nipple shaving
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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