Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
