I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize