ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
