Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
