He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
