she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I touched a dick in church today
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
