Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
