Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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