I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
