somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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