I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
This toilet bowl is my home.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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