Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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