I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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