sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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