So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
