I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
