You're a womanizer and a bitch.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
