Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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