this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
