Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I have aggressive nipples.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
