Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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