my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
