every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
