if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
