I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
