dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
