I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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