there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
